Another in my series of “How Not To Sell Me.”
This is all so horribly narcissistic I know. I get to talk about my favorite subject, that is, me. But lots of people seem to want my qian, and lots of it, as fast as I can push it into their grasping little fingers. Now I’m telling them what they did wrong. As in “No Sale.”
Trolling for fun and profit
This little email popped up in my inbox a while back. I’ve never heard of the company, let’s call it “ABC.” That is, I probably signed up to look at their offerings, then for whatever reasons (price, service, product) decided I wasn’t in their target market. Then forgot about them, as I forget about all the other digital life forms clamoring for my attention—that get buried in the daily exabyte of information I have to wade through.
from ABC Sponsorship Program
to “[ ABC Customer ]”
date Thu, Mar 12, 2009 at 12:31 PM
subject New Features in ABC
I didn’t know I was a customer. In fact, I don’t have any idea what ABC does. And how do the new features benefit me?
Dear ABC Customer,
We’ve noticed it has been a while since you logged into ABC’s online application (using the login connected with your “send to” address in this email). In case you missed it…ABC has recently added powerful functionality that makes it easier than ever to manage your project and events online.
How long? They should tell me exactly when I last logged on, or at least say something like: “It’s been more than 6 months…” They should also state, exactly, what sort of new benefit I get by using their new features.
Also, I am not really a customer, so they shouldn’t address me as a customer.
Your free access to ABC let’s you see all the new features first-hand!
Features? What’s in it for me?
Just go to www.ABC.com and select Member Login. On the login page input your email address and password. If you don’t recall your current password, our system can email you a random password by clicking “Forgot Password”. Upon login, be sure to review our “What’s New” highlights and our Video Tutorials in the Support section.
Regards,
ABC Customer-Support Team
“Customer-Support?” No… don’t tell me they outsourced the copy… to a non-native speaker of English. I have never seen customer support hyphenated by any native English Speaker. Not ever.
————————————-
Have Questions?We look forward to any opportunity to help you discover ABC’s many productivity benefits. Please send us an e-mail to support@ABC.net or phone us toll-free at (877) 843-XXXX. Customer support is available Monday – Friday, 8:00 am – 6:00 pm (Pacific Standard Time).
This is nothing personal against ABC, nor anyone who works for ABC, nor any of their contractors, partners, etc., but two things really stand out here:
- Why in the world do they think I’m in their target customer base?
- How could anyone think this email would be effective in converting anyone to a customer?
Go ahead, change your listname!
I just unsubscribed from a list that was sent from (name changed) “AnneMarie McBray Company” to (name changed) “Worldwide Conferences Association.” Somewhere, I missed the memo… when I went to unsubscribe from the list, I found that the conference list was an alias of the McBray list.
Don’t radically change your name on your mailing list and expect to keep subscribers!
Now, there’s nothing wrong with changing your list name. All perfectly legal. No quibbles at all.
However…
If your emails end up in my Spam folder, I’m probably going to leave them there.
Since I was just FWORing (Filing WithOut Reading) the McBray emails, I unsubscribed anyway.
Log in to unsubscribe?
You have GOT to be kidding me…
It’s true. There’s at least one list I’m on that requires ME logging in to their web site to unsubscribe from their marketing newsletter. Not that it’s a bad email per se, but… dismissive irony in daily doses doesn’t really do me. Weekly maybe. Monthly, why not? But not daily. So not only is the unsubscribe process complicated, they’re insulting about it as well.
Ok, fine. It took exactly two days to train gmail to file everything from that list as spam. Easy business.
Now, I don’t know who handles their email list, but the company that handles my marketing email lists (I have several with AWeber) would probably suspend my account. AWeber is deadly serious about dealing with Spam, and if you run a track record of more than 5/1000 being reported as spam by recipients, they’re going to look into it. And if you’re spamming, they will kill your lists.
Don’t insult me before I subscribe
A while back I subscribed to site that had interesting and useful information… despite the site owner insulting me over some questions I had. The reason I subscribed was because his information is unique. I read his material for about 8 months, until I got pretty much what he had to say, then unsubscribed.
I’m satisfied I learned what I wanted to know.
Which doesn’t change the fact I still feel mildly insulted.
So get this: after I unsubscribed, he sent me an email from a totally different email address, soliciting my return, and for free at that! No thanks.
Why this matters to YOU
All this matters if you:
- Want to sell me stuff, especially stuff over the internet
- Want to sell other people stuff, especially stuff over the internet.
It’s not that I’m so smart that I could do a better job… I don’t have to be smart! I may or may not want your product or service, but YOU want my money. That means I can sit here and spend as much time as I want nitpicking lousy marketing and sales copying, without ever having to advance something better! The onus is on you. Not me.
And it’s not just me. My friend Pat is incredulous at the lack of salesmanship to excellent prospects.
